I Should've Gone to Harmon's

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Funny story from last night before we start today. The Boss came home and told me that I looked like I needed to get out of the house for a bit. I agreed and had to get chocolate chips anyway so I said "Let's go to the store."

"Harmon's or Walmart?" she asked.

"Walmart" I said confidently, thinking of the delicious canisters of sugar free cool ade that fuel my day now that I have quasi-given up soda. Oh, to get that choice back!

We left the kids with the Eldest with strict instructions not to play with the hot water heater, gasoline, or matches and to please keep the baby from floor grazing. Got to Walmart, made our customary pipe-dream walk through the high def TV corner and then started across the back of the store toward the groceries.

"Wait a second" said the Boss, pausing. "I want to go look at patterns for the Kid's Christmas Pajamas."

Every year for as long as we've had kids, the Boss has made them a new pair of PJ's that they get to wear Christmas Eve.

Ever aware of the surveillance team that the Man Police have tailing me, I really don't want to go down that aisle, but she's the Boss. I love her more than I fear the Man Police so down the aisle I go. Naturally, the aisle is blocked by little old grandmas buying lace for doilies or some such, and I can't get the cart past. The Boss, with the grace and speed of Walter Payton slipping between the center and the guard, left me in the dirt.

Well I am a chivalrous fella, so I waited for those nice ladies to finish what they were doing and then proceeded down the now empty aisle. Of course that is the exact second that a Walmart fabric employee turns the corner to find a 6 foot 350 pound bearded bald guy walking alone down the bricabrac aisle of her store.

She looked at me as if I were wearing a flowery sun dress and a floppy hat covered in tropical fruit. I swear she smirked at me. I just wanted to crawl under the tile.

As soon as I got to the end of the row, I was confronted by the angry images of Jerry Sloan and Vince Lombardi who demanded that I turn over my man card immediately.

Come on! This wasn't my fault! It wasn't fair!

So I got mad. And I gambled like a poker player with a ten two off suit facing a pair of Aces. I told them angrily were they could put the card IF they could take it from me. My mock bravado seemed to convince them that I still had more testosterone than estrogen; even if I was kinda doubting it myself. They let me off with a warning. I turned the corner and found the Boss looking at patterns with a huge smile.

"We should have gone to Harmon's" I sheepishly told her.

"Oh, no!" she said. "Just look how cute these nighties are!"

Behind her, Vince and Jerry frowned.