Fatdaddy's Guide to Potty Training

Since Beak refused to chicken out and wait, Bub started potty training over the holiday. The diaper bag has been transformed into a mobile Bub wardrobe. It's hilarious. I think Beak just dumped the contents of his dresser drawers into a bag.

And I love it. I don't have to worry about clothes, just making sure he doesn't have an accident. Yesterday was not so good as its been a few years since we did this with Peff, and I forgot several important rules. For ease of reference, I have compiled my ages of wisdom here in a little piece I like to call "Fatdaddy's Guide to Potty Training.

First, all toddlers are LIARS!!!!!!
Ask one if they have to go, and the little monkey will look you dead in the eyes and shake their little head as fast as they can. "No!", they will say, firmly and with conviction. And it's true, they don't have to go. Because you got your verb tenses wrong. They don't need to go, they already went. In between the time you confirmed they were dry and when you asked the question.

Remedy: Don't ask. Just take them every half hour and sit them down until they go. Don't take no for an answer, but do take a book. As long as there are no other runts destroying the house behind your back, you can usually get a chapter in before they go or you are sure they don't have to.

No sooner than I finish writing this than Bub tells me he has had an accident. "Oh, Come on!" I said to him. "We just went!" So I check him and he has not, in fact had an accident. He looks up at me, laughs and runs away. LIARS!!!!!!

Second,when you move, move fast.
I have seen with my own bad eyes, children who wet their pants while I was putting the seat down. Peff was the worst. He'd stand there looking at the bowl and pee down his leg. You can't yell at 'em, they don't get it, but wow! All you can do is pull your hair out, which once again explains why I am bald.

Remedy: Don't bother putting pants on 'em, just let 'em run around in their drawers. It saves time, reminds them constantly of what is going on, and frankly, it gets the boys a head start on their Man Cards. This is because one of the initiation requirements for Manhood is to spend an entire week hanging out (pun intended?) in their underpants. Mothers, of course do not understand this requirement. Particularly those mothers who were raised with only sisters, but there is no clepping out of this step. Fathers are also required to take a refresher course on this requirement on those rare occasions when tact and public decency laws allow.

Third, remind them often.
Keep it on their minds, so they don't lose track of what they are doing. FOCUS!!! Ask every 10 minutes, and take them every half hour (see rule 1). Frequency and consistency are the keys to the potty training engine.

Remedy: the best tool in your kit is a motivated sibling.
This is a new tip, courtesy of Beak's ingenuity. Most parents are familiar with the old, "go in the potty, win a prize" game. B.F. Skinner was right, who isn't motivated by treats? I know for a fact that this little gimmick worked wonders for one of Uncle K's kids, though it cost my brother about a third of his yearly wages in Hot Wheels cars.

But Beak, she took it to a different level. If Bub goes, Reaggers gets a treat too. This has resulted in not only motivating an indifferent subject, but also a bossy and demanding older sister (She is too bossy and demanding. All sisters are bossy and demanding. It is their nature; as it is our nature to run around in our drawers. We learn this in Man School). There is nothing as consistent as Reaggers when she wants something. "Bub! Go potty! now!" It's the "My way or the highway" method. Reaggers is going to get her treat, come hell or high water. The kid is right out of Max and Ruby.


And there you have it; Fatdaddy's Guide to Potty Training. If you follow these simple rules, you will find success, and find it quickly.

Yesterday, under the tutelage of an out of practice, out of patience uncle, Bub went (again, pun intended) 0 for 2 with one of the accidents being the dreaded #2 (for tips on this, see the section titled "Mothers, Their Responsibility").

Today, under the experienced watch of an assured and repentant uncle, we are 4 for 4 with no accidents. That's a Hall of Fame average for any boy!

Well, that's all for now. I have to go see why Bub is standing in a puddle of lemonade.....Oh, damnit!