I am about to do the stupidest thing I have ever done. As soon as this post is finished, I'm going upstairs to paint the girls bedroom and their bathroom. And I'm taking the runts upstairs with me.
I know.
The answer is, you're right. I do have no idea what the hell I am in for. And yes, I am in fact, clinically insane. If you were unable to come to this conclusion before this, I would suggest you seek counseling yourself.
But I figure what the heck. It's been a while since "Dad Has Two Heart Attacks", and I'm feeling immune to disaster again. What's the worst that could happen?
See you all in later.
Or, I'll see you all in the asylum.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
100
Gosh, I'm so thrilled! This magnificent piece of writing represents the 100th post on this blog. So many diatribes. So much venom. So much destruction.
Who would have thought that being a shiftless bum with no discernible job skills and having a complete reliance on my wife to pay the bills would provide so many opportunities for self mockery?
More surprising still, who would have thought that I'd find a way to put an English degree to use?
I'm as stunned as both of you, rest assured.
You may have noticed the change in decor. I have so few things in my life that I can change. If my shot at variety comes from messing with my Blog setup, then I'm going to mix it up. It kind of reminds me of my mission. Black suit, white shirt. The only change you got to make was the tie; so we all got really picky (and somewhat loud) with our choice in neck-wear in order to compensate. Even so it was enough to make me swear off neckties for about ten years after I got home (work as a shiftless bum does not require a dress code).
A necktie is a pretty useless decoration anyway. I don't think men of my physical stature should have to wear them for any reason. I mean really, who would make a man without feet put on shoes? I have no discernible neck, why should I have to put on a tie?
I digress.
Anyway, If the constant change in blog format annoys you, I'm sorry. I meant to annoy someone else and you are collateral damage. (Pause for rim shot and laughter)What I really need is a deep pocket organization to sponsor me (I work cheap, $1,500 bucks a day would be sufficient) and provide me with an "IT" guy to do web design. Then I could stick to what I do best...complaining.
****Editor's Note
My, does that sound bitter? I didn't realize I was in a grouchy mood this morning but I sat down to write and the bile started spewing full force. Ignore the first half of this post. I'll change the subject.
****
Yesterday was baking day, and I think we hit on a winner. We made cherry chocolate chip bundt cake, or as the kids called it, "doughnut" cake.
I'll put up the recipe and a photo when I get a second later this afternoon, but Beak and the Boss both liked it so I figure it must have turned out all right.
The kids had fun with it and it was pretty easy so I think we are back into the swing of Wednesday Baking Days.
My nephew is wrestling in the region tournament today and he's trying to place high enough to qualify for the state tournament. To do that as a sophomore is pretty cool. Geez, just wrestling some varsity as a sophomore at a school with the wrestling tradition ours has is pretty amazing. His dad was varsity as a sophomore there, but he got murdered in every match. I myself didn't crack the varsity until my senior year. Whether he makes state or not, the kid has done pretty well.
The Boss and I are still waiting to hear more about those life-changing opportunities. We were hoping to know something by today but it looks like it might be a little longer. This is not a happy thing for me. I have been a nervous wreck for a week. Another week might kill me. I just don't want to count my chickens...blah, blah, blah... but when I see this kind of light at the end of the tunnel it's either blue sky (something we ain't seen in about half a decade) or another train (which flatten us constantly) so I get really nervous that something is gonna blow it all to Hades. Keep praying, we need all the help we can get.
Speaking of help, I've got to get going. The Boss is off today and we have a few things to do, including the next basketball game for the Eldest. Which reminds me that I still need to post the pics from the last games. Where did I put that camera....
Gotta go, Happy 100th.
Who would have thought that being a shiftless bum with no discernible job skills and having a complete reliance on my wife to pay the bills would provide so many opportunities for self mockery?
More surprising still, who would have thought that I'd find a way to put an English degree to use?
I'm as stunned as both of you, rest assured.
You may have noticed the change in decor. I have so few things in my life that I can change. If my shot at variety comes from messing with my Blog setup, then I'm going to mix it up. It kind of reminds me of my mission. Black suit, white shirt. The only change you got to make was the tie; so we all got really picky (and somewhat loud) with our choice in neck-wear in order to compensate. Even so it was enough to make me swear off neckties for about ten years after I got home (work as a shiftless bum does not require a dress code).
A necktie is a pretty useless decoration anyway. I don't think men of my physical stature should have to wear them for any reason. I mean really, who would make a man without feet put on shoes? I have no discernible neck, why should I have to put on a tie?
I digress.
Anyway, If the constant change in blog format annoys you, I'm sorry. I meant to annoy someone else and you are collateral damage. (Pause for rim shot and laughter)What I really need is a deep pocket organization to sponsor me (I work cheap, $1,500 bucks a day would be sufficient) and provide me with an "IT" guy to do web design. Then I could stick to what I do best...complaining.
****Editor's Note
My, does that sound bitter? I didn't realize I was in a grouchy mood this morning but I sat down to write and the bile started spewing full force. Ignore the first half of this post. I'll change the subject.
****
Yesterday was baking day, and I think we hit on a winner. We made cherry chocolate chip bundt cake, or as the kids called it, "doughnut" cake.
I'll put up the recipe and a photo when I get a second later this afternoon, but Beak and the Boss both liked it so I figure it must have turned out all right.
The kids had fun with it and it was pretty easy so I think we are back into the swing of Wednesday Baking Days.
My nephew is wrestling in the region tournament today and he's trying to place high enough to qualify for the state tournament. To do that as a sophomore is pretty cool. Geez, just wrestling some varsity as a sophomore at a school with the wrestling tradition ours has is pretty amazing. His dad was varsity as a sophomore there, but he got murdered in every match. I myself didn't crack the varsity until my senior year. Whether he makes state or not, the kid has done pretty well.
The Boss and I are still waiting to hear more about those life-changing opportunities. We were hoping to know something by today but it looks like it might be a little longer. This is not a happy thing for me. I have been a nervous wreck for a week. Another week might kill me. I just don't want to count my chickens...blah, blah, blah... but when I see this kind of light at the end of the tunnel it's either blue sky (something we ain't seen in about half a decade) or another train (which flatten us constantly) so I get really nervous that something is gonna blow it all to Hades. Keep praying, we need all the help we can get.
Speaking of help, I've got to get going. The Boss is off today and we have a few things to do, including the next basketball game for the Eldest. Which reminds me that I still need to post the pics from the last games. Where did I put that camera....
Gotta go, Happy 100th.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Did That Just Happen?
And still one more sign that the world is going to Hell in a FedEx envelope...
After I got done with class last night the Boss stopped at a sandwich shop to get me a bite to eat. We went in and there were two friendly girls waiting behind the counter to help us. One of them was particularly chatty and asked if it was still warm outside. (It was slightly warmer than average yesterday, but by then it was way past sundown and colder than a Siberian Well-diggers...you get the point).
"No", said the Boss. "It's gotten quite cold.
"Oh, that's too bad", replied the girl. "I don't mind snow, but I want the cold to go away. What did the Groundhog say this morning?"
"Six more weeks of winter", I said. "Apparently, the 'Global Warming' people haven't gotten to the Groundhogs yet."
****Editor's Note
I spent most of the morning thinking about a post that explains the long-standing enmity between groundhogs (who are pro-winter traditionalists) and gerbils (who are toiling in the cause of global warming) though I decided against it. But it may appear somewhere down the line...
****
The second girl took this opportunity to enter the conversation.
"Yeah? I'm still not sure I really believe in that stuff, you know?"
"You don't?" I asked, expecting to hear her launch into a anti-Al Gore tirade against climate change.
"Nope", she said seriously. "I mean, I guess it might be true, but I'm just not convinced that a Groundhog can change the weather. How do they do it, really?"
It was at this point that I realized that I was going to need a trip to the emergency room to reattach the large portion of my tongue and lower lip that I had just bitten off in order to not laugh out loud.
The Boss and I were still giggling about it this morning. It was the blondest thing I have ever seen.
After I got done with class last night the Boss stopped at a sandwich shop to get me a bite to eat. We went in and there were two friendly girls waiting behind the counter to help us. One of them was particularly chatty and asked if it was still warm outside. (It was slightly warmer than average yesterday, but by then it was way past sundown and colder than a Siberian Well-diggers...you get the point).
"No", said the Boss. "It's gotten quite cold.
"Oh, that's too bad", replied the girl. "I don't mind snow, but I want the cold to go away. What did the Groundhog say this morning?"
"Six more weeks of winter", I said. "Apparently, the 'Global Warming' people haven't gotten to the Groundhogs yet."
****Editor's Note
I spent most of the morning thinking about a post that explains the long-standing enmity between groundhogs (who are pro-winter traditionalists) and gerbils (who are toiling in the cause of global warming) though I decided against it. But it may appear somewhere down the line...
****
The second girl took this opportunity to enter the conversation.
"Yeah? I'm still not sure I really believe in that stuff, you know?"
"You don't?" I asked, expecting to hear her launch into a anti-Al Gore tirade against climate change.
"Nope", she said seriously. "I mean, I guess it might be true, but I'm just not convinced that a Groundhog can change the weather. How do they do it, really?"
It was at this point that I realized that I was going to need a trip to the emergency room to reattach the large portion of my tongue and lower lip that I had just bitten off in order to not laugh out loud.
The Boss and I were still giggling about it this morning. It was the blondest thing I have ever seen.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
People Like Blood Sausage
"Well, it's Groundhog Day....Again...."
There are two moments in movie history that cause me to fall into uncontrollable fits of laughter EVERY time I see them. They are without a doubt the best examples of comic genius ever caught on film.
The first is in Mel Brooks' classic "Young Frankenstein" when Gene Wilder is doing a vaudeville style song-and-dance number with the Creature, played by Peter Boyle. Wilder is singing "Puttin' on the Ritz" while Boyle clumps his way through a few clumsy tap steps. At the appropriate moment in the song, the Creature gets to sing, and Boyle bellows out, "PU NA RITZ!"
The shouting voice, the ridiculous speech impediment, the hammy dance number...it all combines in that one line to be one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Just thinking about it makes me giggle. If you haven't seen it, ya gotta.
The other moment, and my admitted favorite, comes from Bill Murray's opus magnum, "Groundhog Day".
When he realizes that he can't escape, he's stuck in Punxatawney, and nothing he can do will ever change it, he tries to commit suicide. The stone faced, deadpan wave he gives the driver when he steps in front of a truck is funny.
But it's the bit with the toaster that kills me every time.
He walks into the dining room of the bed and breakfast and takes the toaster without a word. He ignores the innkeeper when she asks if he'd like some toast, and carries the toaster back to his room. Still dressed in his pajamas, he sits in a tub full of water with the toaster in his lap. He leans over to plug the toaster in, then you see him start to push the mechanism down. The scene cuts back to the dining room, and the lights blink while you can hear the power arcing and circuits popping.
The innkeeper puts her hand to her mouth and calmly says "Oh, dear!"
I hear that he makes a few more attempts which may be funnier, but I've never seen them. As soon as he sits in the tub, I lose it. I've had more than one day that made me want to grab a toaster.
I've seen that movie a thousand times, and it never gets old.
And because it is Groundhog Day today I'm going to drag it off the DVD shelf and watch it again tonight.
Just saw the morning news from Punxatawny. Six more weeks of winter. Uh-hu.
Don't drive angry!
There are two moments in movie history that cause me to fall into uncontrollable fits of laughter EVERY time I see them. They are without a doubt the best examples of comic genius ever caught on film.
The first is in Mel Brooks' classic "Young Frankenstein" when Gene Wilder is doing a vaudeville style song-and-dance number with the Creature, played by Peter Boyle. Wilder is singing "Puttin' on the Ritz" while Boyle clumps his way through a few clumsy tap steps. At the appropriate moment in the song, the Creature gets to sing, and Boyle bellows out, "PU NA RITZ!"
The shouting voice, the ridiculous speech impediment, the hammy dance number...it all combines in that one line to be one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Just thinking about it makes me giggle. If you haven't seen it, ya gotta.
The other moment, and my admitted favorite, comes from Bill Murray's opus magnum, "Groundhog Day".
When he realizes that he can't escape, he's stuck in Punxatawney, and nothing he can do will ever change it, he tries to commit suicide. The stone faced, deadpan wave he gives the driver when he steps in front of a truck is funny.
But it's the bit with the toaster that kills me every time.
He walks into the dining room of the bed and breakfast and takes the toaster without a word. He ignores the innkeeper when she asks if he'd like some toast, and carries the toaster back to his room. Still dressed in his pajamas, he sits in a tub full of water with the toaster in his lap. He leans over to plug the toaster in, then you see him start to push the mechanism down. The scene cuts back to the dining room, and the lights blink while you can hear the power arcing and circuits popping.
The innkeeper puts her hand to her mouth and calmly says "Oh, dear!"
I hear that he makes a few more attempts which may be funnier, but I've never seen them. As soon as he sits in the tub, I lose it. I've had more than one day that made me want to grab a toaster.
I've seen that movie a thousand times, and it never gets old.
And because it is Groundhog Day today I'm going to drag it off the DVD shelf and watch it again tonight.
Just saw the morning news from Punxatawny. Six more weeks of winter. Uh-hu.
Don't drive angry!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Moon (or something) River
One of my favorite episodes of the Simpson's shows Bart, Milhouse, and the Bully, Nelson Munz going on vacation and stopping in Branson, Missouri. Bart says Branson is "like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders". At Nelson's insistence, they stop at an Andy Williams show. The scene cuts to the boys sitting in the theater and Nelson is crying gently while Andy sings "Moon River".
"Just when I thought he wasn't going to sing it, " he says, "Then BAM! Second encore! Bravo!"
That is how this weekend went. Just when I thought I was out of material for today's blog post, then Bam! Here comes Bub.
It is his birthday today. Contrary to what I have previously posted, he was not actually three until today (Cut me some slack, he was only three months shy of three when I started this blog, it was a good enough guess for government work).
He has been very good lately about the potty training thing, he hasn't had an accident here in quite a while. Today, he even went by himself twice (and fortunatly didn't miss) and got himself dressed with no help. I thought it was a remarkable improvement and am very proud of him.
When Beak got done with work, she came to pick him up and sat on the couch for a minute to chat. I told her that I was really struggling with something to write about today. I'm pretty preoccupied with the swirling possibilites that are converging on us, and it has been tough to focus on much of anything else.
Beak (like the Boss) is ever supportive of my writing, and told me not to worry, I'd find something to write about. I changed the subject and told her how proud of Bub I was for going to the potty all by himself. A minute or so later, Beak jumped off the couch like a scalded cat shouting, "Bub! What's the matter with you? Are you kidding me?"
It took me a minute to notice that she had a large, wet, soggy spot on the knee of her jeans. His own little Moon (or something) River, right down my sister's leg.
All I could do was laugh. "That is absolutely going on the blog," I told her.
For once it wasn't me.
Happy Birthday, Bub. Three years ago, my sister gave you life a little before you were due. Today, she gave you the gift of not ending you before you're due as well. When you're old enough to read this, you better tell her you love her.
I'm gonna go find some Andy Williams to listen to.
"Just when I thought he wasn't going to sing it, " he says, "Then BAM! Second encore! Bravo!"
That is how this weekend went. Just when I thought I was out of material for today's blog post, then Bam! Here comes Bub.
It is his birthday today. Contrary to what I have previously posted, he was not actually three until today (Cut me some slack, he was only three months shy of three when I started this blog, it was a good enough guess for government work).
He has been very good lately about the potty training thing, he hasn't had an accident here in quite a while. Today, he even went by himself twice (and fortunatly didn't miss) and got himself dressed with no help. I thought it was a remarkable improvement and am very proud of him.
When Beak got done with work, she came to pick him up and sat on the couch for a minute to chat. I told her that I was really struggling with something to write about today. I'm pretty preoccupied with the swirling possibilites that are converging on us, and it has been tough to focus on much of anything else.
Beak (like the Boss) is ever supportive of my writing, and told me not to worry, I'd find something to write about. I changed the subject and told her how proud of Bub I was for going to the potty all by himself. A minute or so later, Beak jumped off the couch like a scalded cat shouting, "Bub! What's the matter with you? Are you kidding me?"
It took me a minute to notice that she had a large, wet, soggy spot on the knee of her jeans. His own little Moon (or something) River, right down my sister's leg.
All I could do was laugh. "That is absolutely going on the blog," I told her.
For once it wasn't me.
Happy Birthday, Bub. Three years ago, my sister gave you life a little before you were due. Today, she gave you the gift of not ending you before you're due as well. When you're old enough to read this, you better tell her you love her.
I'm gonna go find some Andy Williams to listen to.
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