One Man Wrecking Crew

First, thanks to everyone who has visited and commented. I'm starting to pile up the visitors and it is an ego boost to see that people might be listening to what I have to say, no matter how messed up it is. I am especially grateful to see so many nice comments about my story "The Roof Top". I was a little nervous about putting something out there that is as personal as that story, but the response has been worth it. And now, for our regularly scheduled post.

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Squizzles is earning his nickname.

He wiggles and squiggles (^)and generally flat refuses to sit still for longer than two tenths of a second. He wall-walks along the couches in the living room and the edge of the beds in the bedrooms. (^) He crawls at lightning speed, and shoots up the stairs like he robbed a bank and the sheriff has the posse a minute behind. Naturally, he still won't go down the stairs. He crawls to the edge (close enough to give his mother heart attacks) and calmly says Blah-Bwah-Bra-Ma!!!. (^)

Loosely translated this means "I have found a place that I cannot escape. Pick me up or I will scream." You then have (^)two tenths of a second to take him down the stairs or the previously discussed Iron Maiden auditions begin anew. No sooner do you set him down than he takes off up the stairs again and the whole scene repeats itself "Dad Nauseam". (^)

It's a really sick form of the game we call "Pick it up, Stupid" or "Testing Gravity". All parents play this game. You know, you put the miscreant (^)in a high chair, set them on you lap, or some other elevated seat. You give them a toy or bottle to occupy them and they promptly throw it on the floor.

Unaware that you are being trained, you pick the object up and hand it back to B.F. Skinner, Jr. who drops it again as soon as you are settled. The object for the child is to:

1) Make sure that Gravity works the way they think it does.(^) It is not a coincidence that this game begins about the same time that they learn to stand. Babies become quickly accustomed to having things fall down and I think they want to see something else take the fall (Pun certainly intended).

2) See how much they can put Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa or other unsuspecting idiot through before the game wears them out (^). Hence the name of the game, "Pick it up, Stupid". How (^) long can I make someone do what I want them to?

I fully expect to see many, many check marks in the "Been there/Done that" section of the comment box for this post.

ALL BABIES PLAY THIS GAME! (-)

Now some of you careful readers will have noticed the symbol (^) peppered throughout this post. I will now explain it. In James Joyce's "Finnegans Wake" he writes the dream of his main character Humphrey Chimpden Earwicker.

Every once in a while you will be reading along and a sentence (perhaps word segment is a better word choice here) is interrupted with the words Tip-Tip-Tip or Tap-Tap-Tap. To Joyce, this represented the striking of a tree branch against the window of H.C.E's home and the resulting intrusion of the outside world upon Earwickers dream. Joyce said that he inserted these Tip-Taps whenever the wind would blow and brush tree branches against the windows while he wrote, intruding on his own fantasy.

For this post, I have inserted the symbol (^) for every time I had to get up while writing in order to extract Squizzle from impending disaster or destruction. The symbol (-) at the end is the point where I finally had enough and parked his tucas in his high chair.

Fascinatin', ain't it?

Speaking of Squizzle and his tucas, the worst part of his wild man attitude lately has been trying to change his diapers. I kid you not, it has turned into a two person job. He will NOT hold still to get his bum changed. Twisting, turning, straining, screaming; he has mastered them all.

Last night, I held his arms down, the Eldest held his legs and the Boss did the dirty work with the wipees and diaper cream. Come on! He weighs what, twenty pounds? It still took all three of us and even then he screamed like the Banshee. I cannot wait to put this kid on a wrestling mat. No way some kid his own size is gonna keep Squizzle on his back. The boy has skills!

Anyway, he has tired of his chair and is throwing his bottle on the floor for me to pick up. Time for a nap. Has anyone seen where you can buy a straight jacket for a one year old?