Happy Saint Patricks Day!

Top o' the mornin' to ya! Everybody got their green on? Good. Fatdaddy has great affinity for Saint Patricks Day; for reasons that may be clearer to some than others. It's a day where everyone can feel as lucky as the Irish. Here's a few of my favorite Irish jokes to make your day a little greener. (Relax,PC police. I'm mostly Irish with a little bit of Scot and Dane mixed in so I'm allowed to make fun of my self)

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish Wake?
There's one less drunk at the Wake.

Why did God create Whiskey?
So the Irish wouldn't take over the universe.

An Irishman goes to Switzerland to climb the Matterhorn. He and the guide get caught in an avalanche and are buried up to their waists in snow and ice. The Swiss guide tells the Irishman not to worry, and then blows a small whistle hanging from his coat. After a few minutes, a huge Saint Bernard comes running up the hill with the traditional keg of brandy tied around his neck.
"Now, that is truly man's best friend!" says the guide.
"Yep" says the Irishman. "and can ya believe the size of the dog that they have deliverin' it?"

What's long and green and sways back and forth?
The Saint Patrick's Day Parade

An old Irish dad calls his son in prison and says, "What shall I do? With you and your brother in English Prisons, I've no one to spade the garden this year and I'll have no potatoes."
The son replies "Geez, Da'! Ya know ya can't be diggin' up the garden! That's where we hid the guns!"
The next day, English soldiers surround the house and spend all day digging up the garden with heavy equipment. Finding nothing, the finally give up and leave after searching the house and likewise, finding nothing.
The Da calls his son again and says "What was all that about guns in the garden? The English spent all day digging up the yard and they didn't find a thing."
"I know Da. Now shut up and plant yer potatoes."


An Irish-American Judge has been getting drunk every night for weeks. His wife tells him that if he gets drunk one more time, she's going to leave him. He promises to stay sober, and life goes on. But then comes Saint Paddy's day. The Judges friends all expect him to go out and knock down a few, but the wife has her foot firmly down. Luckily, the wife's sister calls her from out of town on the day before Saint Paddy's and asks for a few days of help. The wife agrees to go but tells the judge, "Remember, no more drinking. If you do, I'll divorce you and tell the press what a lousy drunk you are."
As soon as she leaves, the judge is out the door.
After an indeterminate amount of barhopping passes, the judge wakes to find that it is seven thirty on the day after the holiday and he is due in court in less than half an hour.
He looks at himself and wonders what he had been doing while drinking because he is in full court regalia, and covered in vomit. He strips down, showers, shaves, gets dressed, and grabs a fresh black robe from the closet. In his car, he realizes that he has forgotten to wash his soiled clothes and they are still sitting in a filthy pile on the bathroom floor. He has no time to turn around and the wife will be home before he is done with work.
Panicked, he concocts a brilliant alibi.
When the wife calls at noon, the Judge calls a recess and goes to his chambers. The wife is screaming bloody murder from the moment he picks up the phone,
"You lousy drunk! I saw your clothes! It's over between us, I can't trust you at all!"
Calmly the judge spins his alibi.
"Sweetheart. Please don't be upset with me, I wasn't drinking. You see, the first case on my docket this morning, as it usually is on the day after Saint Patrick's Day, was for public intoxication. The man was clearly still inebriated, and just before I could sentence him to a fine, he ran toward the bench and vomited all over me and my desk. So I came home and changed clothes, but didn't have time to wash the dirty ones. You'll be pleased to know that I changed his sentence and gave him thirty days."
The wife pauses for a moment and says "Oh. I didn't know that. But tell me, dear. How much more time is he going to get when you realize that he messed your drawers as well?"

And last, my personal favorite...
An Irishman, an Englishman and an American are walking down a country road near Galway. It's a dry, dusty day and they decide they need to stop for a drink at the next pub they come to.

Sadly, the next pub is a rundown, filthy hut that is hardly more than a barn. In desperate need of a drink, the three go in and order a pint. The barkeep, who looks to be a thousand years old, slowly fills three glasses and sets them on the warped and stained board that serves as a bar. They pay and the American picks up his glass to drink.

"What the...There is a FLY IN MY BEER!!" he roars. He tips his glass over, spilling beer and fly all over the bar and loudly demands a fresh beer in a clean glass.

The Englishman is appalled by his friend's lack of tact and manners, yet he, too, finds a fly swimming in his glass. In an attempt to show some dignity, he casually reaches into the cup with his thumb and forefinger and plucks the fly from his barley water and sets it gently on the counter. As the fly shakes off the beer and takes off, the Englishman picks up the warm, flyless beverage and drinks.

Having seen the conditions of his two friends' drinks, the Irishman is already on full alert. He picks up his glass, and sure enough, finds a fly happily floating in the beer.

Enraged, the Irishman's face turns red, and his whole body begins to shake. With trembling hands, he slowly reaches into the glass and snatches the fly out by the wings. Muttering profanity under his breath the Irishman grabs the fly's legs with his other hand and screams, "Spit it out you little B@$#!@%!!! That's mine, and if you drink another drop, I'll pull your lousy wings off, you freebooter!"

Ok, enough. Happy Saint Patrick's day to all of you. Don't forget that you still have time to fill out a bracket for the Fatdaddy Bracket Challenge. Just don't wait much longer, the deadline in tomorrow at 9 am mountain time. No experience is necessary. I have one bracket that predicts BYU versus the Woofie dogs (Wofford) and another that is "B" is for Beckett (Baylor) versus "go Diego, go" (San Diego State). Usually the winner is someone who just guesses blindly.

Now I'm gonna go take some Nyquil and try not to cough up a lung.